Join Islam (Instrumental version)

Sing along, or write your own version!

I’ll share with you the tale of when
I met some baggy-trousered gentlemen
They spoke with flair
and with panache
They all had beards
but no moustache

They had a book called the Qur'an
containing some divine and cosmic plan
And then I cringed
in fear and dread
as one closed up his book and said

Just do it, just do it
Do it before you die
Join Islam, come on man
Don't upset the man in the sky
The consequences are dire
You'll really piss him off
and then he'll burn you in the fire
Just do it, just do it now!

So I said:
I can't do it, I can't do it
I really don't believe in God
Your passion and your fashion
I really think are really rather odd

No derision
It's my decision
and I don't like the idea of a circumcision
I won’t do it. I won’t join Islam.

Join Islam
Read the Qur'an
Linguistically it’s sublime
I’ve checked and
It’s perfect
In every way and for all time
It’s righteous
It has no likeness
Here’s a verse with forty-two rhetorical devices
Join Islam Just do it now!

And I said:
I can’t do it
I can’t do it
I’ve never felt the need to pray
On a carpet
with a view of men’s arses
I’m sorry I don’t pray that way
I’m at a disadvantage
I can’t read the language
All I want is lager and a bacon sandwich
I can’t do it I won’t join Islam

And he said
I won’t boast
but first and foremost
ask yourself what if you’re wrong.
You believe that something
came from nothing?
My faith could never be that strong!
It’s not pragmatic
It’s un-Quranic
It violates the second law of thermodynamics
Think about it. What if you’re wrong?

And I said:
I can’t do it I can’t do it
Not without some evidence
I’m not biassed
Just give me science
None of you are making sense
It’s not for me, man
Leave me be, man
I’d rather pour a glass and drink my daddy’s semen
I can’t do it. I won’t join Islam

And they said
"Brother makes a good point"
Join islam
But only if you feel inclined
Our obsession
is freedom of expression
Just say whatever’s on your mind

It’s splendid
We commend it,
But we reserve the right to never be offended
Join islam
Join islam now

And I said:
I can’t do it
I can’t do it
I believe in equality
It’s a given:
rights for women
have no place in your ideology
No integration
No education
The only thing your females get is genital mutilation
That’s final
I won’t join Islam

And they said:
Join Islam
Just do it
The moment is so opportune
Our practice:
To blacklist
every novel and cartoon

Keep silent
We’re strident
We’ll chop the head off anyone who says we’re violent
Join Islam
Just do it NOW!

And I said:
I can’t do it
I can’t do it
Censorship I Despise
It’s fair
to declare the
universal right to criticize

I don’t want Sharia
round here
I’d rather pack my bags and move to North Korea
I won’t do it
I won’t join Islam

And they said:
Join Islam Just do it
Western women are all whores
Here’s my sister
No man has kissed her
Join us and she’ll be all yours

She’s no shirker
A real hard worker
She’ll show you everything she’s got beneath her burqa
Just do it!
Join Islam now!

And I said:
ALRIGHT!!
I’ll do it
I’m a red-blooded male
It’s intriguing
I’m pleading
to find out what’s behind her veil

To Allah
I give my shahada
I’m in a state of frenzy and a lustful lather
I’ll do it! I’ll do it now!

I’ve done it
I’m ready
to bang her like a man possessed
I’m burning
I’m yearning
As she slowly gets undressed
Uh oh!
I stammer
I piss my pyjamas
Cos she’s bog-eyed and her face is like a bag of hammers
I can’t do it, I wanna leave Islam!

Allahu akbar, It says here
Terms and conditions apply
One small penalty
for apostasy
Leave and you must die

There's no compulsion in religion
But revoking your shahada gets you crucifixion
You've done it
You've done it now!

(This song is inspired by Victoria Wood's magnificent "The Ballad of Barry and Freda")